lj repost: Bush and LOTR
Apr. 9th, 2017 07:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
troyceOk, spent too much time thinking about "Return of the King." Inspired the following satire by me, putting Denethor in the role of George W. Bush (the "shrub").
If the War of the Ring had Been Fought like the "War" on Terror
3009 - Nazgul crashes into Tower of Ecthelion. Denethor declares national crises.
3011 - Denethor enacts Numenorian Act. All non-Numenorian descendent peoples must register with Tower Guards. Each ring of Minas Tirith must spy on the ring below them. Gondorian Security Council begins use of spyware to listen in on Palantir communication.
3013 - Nazgul traced to Minas Morgul, obviously funded by Sauron of Mordor. Denethor orders attack on Saruman of Isengard.
3015. Theoden refuses safe passage of Gondorian Army through Rohan. Denethor fortifies border, sends army up Anduin, through Fangorn.
3016 - Fangorn forest logging rights given to Dol Halliburton. Gondorian army quickly advances through clearcut to vale of Isengard.
3017 - Siege of Isengard. Denethor promises quick end to siege.
3018 - Siege continues.
3019 - Rising discontent in Gondor over length of siege. Many people declared "under the Shadow" through Numenorian act rulings and placed in stockade in ruins of Osgiliath.
3020 - Isengard falls. The Wizard's Vale occupied by Gondor army. Saruman escapes. Dol Halliburton given contract to rebuild ring of Isengard.
3021 - Nazgul crashes into Orthanc. Lothlorien intelligence traces Nazgul back to Sauron of Morder. Denethor accuses Galadriel of profiteering from trade with Mordor.
3023 - Orcs harass occupying Gondorian Army in Isengard. Search begins for Saruman near the Gladden Fields.
3024 - The West, alarmed by Denethor's growing dementia, calls council in Rivendell. Aragorn called upon to pursue claim to Gondor throne. Gandalf becomes Aragorn's advisor.
3025 - Sauron begins massive arms buildup along border of Mordor. Denethor dismisses reports as fabrications of Rohirrim sympathizers and evokes trade pact with Mordor.
3026 - Denethor declares Gandalf an enemy of Gondor and "under the Shadow." Calls for his immediate arrest if ever found in Gondorian territories. Gandalf issues reply "I've lived for thousands of years, single-handedly defeated a Balrog, and striven against the forces of Sauron when you were still hurling at drunken frat parties at Amroth Tech. Bring it on, you little wad of orc dung."
3027 - Rumours of outrages by Dol Halliburton advisors throughout the vale of Isengard and West Emnet of Rohan. Denethor states that the West Emnet must be occupied by Gondorian forces for security purposes. Theoden calls upon Lords of the West for help. Aragorn leads Really Last Alliance of Elves, Men, Dwarves, and People of Little Stature south to contest Denethor and claim throne.
3028 - People of Gondor hail Aragorn as rightful king of Gondor as he passes Gap of Rohan, defeating combined army of Gondor and Dol Halliburton. Denethor refuses to vacate Stewardship and calls upon Great Council of Gondor to decide issue.
3029 - Great Council, all appointed by Denethor, rules Aragorn ineligible for throne due to residency requirement.
3030 - Armies of the West and Gondor meet in battle in south Gondor.
3031 - Battle ends with last Gondorian army defeated. Fertile regions of Gondor laid waste and much famine follows. Denethor declares victory in Minas Tirith while setting fire to royal palace.
3032 - Aragorn arrives at Pelennor Field. Minas Tirith in flames as Sauron launches army of orcs and trolls long in preparation. Depleted Army of the West overrun by Sauron's forces. Kingdom of Gondor comes to an end. Sauron declares victory.
3033 - Nazgul crashes into Caras Galadhon.
If the War of the Ring had Been Fought like the "War" on Terror
3009 - Nazgul crashes into Tower of Ecthelion. Denethor declares national crises.
3011 - Denethor enacts Numenorian Act. All non-Numenorian descendent peoples must register with Tower Guards. Each ring of Minas Tirith must spy on the ring below them. Gondorian Security Council begins use of spyware to listen in on Palantir communication.
3013 - Nazgul traced to Minas Morgul, obviously funded by Sauron of Mordor. Denethor orders attack on Saruman of Isengard.
3015. Theoden refuses safe passage of Gondorian Army through Rohan. Denethor fortifies border, sends army up Anduin, through Fangorn.
3016 - Fangorn forest logging rights given to Dol Halliburton. Gondorian army quickly advances through clearcut to vale of Isengard.
3017 - Siege of Isengard. Denethor promises quick end to siege.
3018 - Siege continues.
3019 - Rising discontent in Gondor over length of siege. Many people declared "under the Shadow" through Numenorian act rulings and placed in stockade in ruins of Osgiliath.
3020 - Isengard falls. The Wizard's Vale occupied by Gondor army. Saruman escapes. Dol Halliburton given contract to rebuild ring of Isengard.
3021 - Nazgul crashes into Orthanc. Lothlorien intelligence traces Nazgul back to Sauron of Morder. Denethor accuses Galadriel of profiteering from trade with Mordor.
3023 - Orcs harass occupying Gondorian Army in Isengard. Search begins for Saruman near the Gladden Fields.
3024 - The West, alarmed by Denethor's growing dementia, calls council in Rivendell. Aragorn called upon to pursue claim to Gondor throne. Gandalf becomes Aragorn's advisor.
3025 - Sauron begins massive arms buildup along border of Mordor. Denethor dismisses reports as fabrications of Rohirrim sympathizers and evokes trade pact with Mordor.
3026 - Denethor declares Gandalf an enemy of Gondor and "under the Shadow." Calls for his immediate arrest if ever found in Gondorian territories. Gandalf issues reply "I've lived for thousands of years, single-handedly defeated a Balrog, and striven against the forces of Sauron when you were still hurling at drunken frat parties at Amroth Tech. Bring it on, you little wad of orc dung."
3027 - Rumours of outrages by Dol Halliburton advisors throughout the vale of Isengard and West Emnet of Rohan. Denethor states that the West Emnet must be occupied by Gondorian forces for security purposes. Theoden calls upon Lords of the West for help. Aragorn leads Really Last Alliance of Elves, Men, Dwarves, and People of Little Stature south to contest Denethor and claim throne.
3028 - People of Gondor hail Aragorn as rightful king of Gondor as he passes Gap of Rohan, defeating combined army of Gondor and Dol Halliburton. Denethor refuses to vacate Stewardship and calls upon Great Council of Gondor to decide issue.
3029 - Great Council, all appointed by Denethor, rules Aragorn ineligible for throne due to residency requirement.
3030 - Armies of the West and Gondor meet in battle in south Gondor.
3031 - Battle ends with last Gondorian army defeated. Fertile regions of Gondor laid waste and much famine follows. Denethor declares victory in Minas Tirith while setting fire to royal palace.
3032 - Aragorn arrives at Pelennor Field. Minas Tirith in flames as Sauron launches army of orcs and trolls long in preparation. Depleted Army of the West overrun by Sauron's forces. Kingdom of Gondor comes to an end. Sauron declares victory.
3033 - Nazgul crashes into Caras Galadhon.
